RDLeslie

Do you find yourself as a parent or teacher struggling with your child's frequent tantrums or defiance? Do you (or others) consider your kid aggressive or oppositional? In the midst of sleep deprivation or yet another meltdown, it can be far too easy to focus on a child's behavior without pausing to consider what may be fuelling it. Underneath the surface of those tantrums and aggression, your child is likely experiencing a huge range of emotions that are frequently bubbling up (and out!). By understanding the brain-body connection, we can better interpret what our child's behavior is truly communicating - whether it's sadness, loneliness, frustration, sensory issues, fear, jealousy, a learning challenge, or anything else!

​Dr. Dan Siegel coined the phrase “flipping your lid.” What does that mean?!

Under some stressful circumstances,
the prefrontal cortex or “lid”
is no longer able to manage the limbic system’s arousal.

What does that mean?
The prefrontal cortex is no longer dominant, or in charge. 
Memory, organization, impulse control, attention, and emotion regulation
are affected (and impaired) to varying degrees. 
The limbic system - or our stress responses - takes the lead.

What's the result?

• the brain’s signals get all mixed up
• communication is affected (both expressive - what we say and how we say it - and receptive - how we perceive and understand both body and verbal language)
• behavior can quickly escalate and become challenging

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Dr. Stuart Shanker created the Self-Reg framework for learning self-regulation. I work with the organization - The MEHRIT Centre in Canada - both as a consultant and teaching assistant. Self-Reg encourages parents and teachers to become “stress detectives” by digging deeper than the challenging behaviors we may see on the surface. We can examine the environment, the social and prosocial demands, and each child’s innate biological needs. Dr. Shanker reminds us: “See a child differently, you see a different child.”

We love the Hand/Brain model created by Dr. Siegel. It's an easy-to-grasp visual that's used by many respected scientists and child psychologists nowadays. I use it all the time with students, teachers and parents alike because it's so easy to make sense of! This video below - Why Do We Lose Control of Our Emotions - sums up the "flipping your lid" idea pretty well, with a focus on what happens to your child’s brain and body while under excessive stress. It's well worth a watch, either on your own or alongside your child to see what rich conversations might arise.

Wanna know how I decide when it’s time to reread some of my go-to professional books? When the post-it notes start to curl up & the pages get worn out from use, I usually reread sections or even the entire book to gauge if the research is still accurate or outdated, to determine if the key concepts still align with my personal and professional experience over the past 20 years, and to just plain jog my memory. ​

1 - ”Children do not experience our intentions[...]. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior.” We can support our children to receive our unconditional love through the safety and connection of our relationship with them. 

2 - Attachment can be both a shield & a sword - huh? What does that mean? We become +more+ vulnerable to those we’re attached to (what they say & do matters... a lot!) & our children become -less- vulnerable in relationship to others because they can be certain and rest in the safe and secure relationship we've worked so intentionally to create with them. 

3 - "Make sure that the child does not need to work to get his needs met for contact and closeness to find his bearings, to orient. Children need to have their attachment needs satiated; only then can a shift of energy occur toward individuation, the process of becoming a truly individual person." When a child’s attachment needs are freely met - with no strings attached - they don’t need to spend energy on trying to earn approval or seek connection. That means there’s +more+ energy available for free exploration, , curiosity, independence, and learning!